Grey's Anatomy: The Intern Formerly Known as Steve/June 2008

This page lists all blog entries from Grey's Anatomy: The Intern Formerly Known as Steve from June 2008.

The NOT To Do List
Rules. I love them! They are clear-cut and orderly, and practically scientific in their awesomeness. They tell you what to do and when to do it. And all you have to do is follow them. It’s as simple and easy as that. At least it used to be. You see, I thought I knew all the rules. Brush your teeth before bed. Never tell a lie. Don’t mess with the pancreas. But there are rules you learn as an intern that you can’t find in any book. And I’m not talking five or ten or fifty rules. I’m talking countless, endless rules. Important rules. Life-saving rules. Unspoken rules. And they are everywhere. So that’s why I’ve decided to make history by breaking my very first rule. In an attempt to help you future #2s avoid the pain and humiliation of learning things the hard way, I am releasing a list of all the rules I learned the first week of my internship. First and foremost, the golden rule…

* THE GOLDEN RULE: Repeat after me: “I am a grunt. I am a nobody. I am at the bottom of the surgical food chain. I am a grunt. I am a nobody. I am at the bottom of the surgical food chain. I am a grunt…” Long ago, in a hospital far, far away, a resident imposed this mantra on an intern, and we’ve all been living by it ever since. It is the rule that stands above the rest, defying any numerical assignment. All other rules follow beneath it.

RULE #1: Do NOT try to make your resident like you. Sucking up to your resident is not a good plan. Your resident already hates you. At least that’s what Dr. Yang told us. And what Dr. Karev told Pierce. And what Dr. Grey told #3. And she’s related to her! So I will not be trying to make Dr. Yang like me. I’m just going to be myself. And once Dr. Yang catches a glimpse of my supremely cool fake tattoo of the aorta, she won’t be able to help herself but like me. And I won’t even have tried. Not even a little.

RULE #2: Do NOT ask if you can do procedures on your own. Not that I’ve ever done this. Not that I’ve ever approached Dr. Bailey, the infamous "intern-hater," with this question. Of course I didn’t actually know she was the "intern-hater" until it was too late. A bit of advice for you future interns, find out the name of your "intern-hater" before day one, and avoid him or her like the plague. At least that’s my plan. And never ever ask anyone the aforementioned question.

RULE #3: Do NOT try to bribe your resident or attending to scrub in. It doesn’t work. At least not for Mitch, who spent his day off handwashing and waxing Dr. Sloan’s car. Little does Mitch know that Dr. Sloan doesn’t accept bribes from interns. But residents? Well let’s just say that Dr. Yang was able to secure a spot on the next Mohs defect repair in exchange for gifting a certain plastics surgeon a lovely espresso machine. So Mitch, in one year if you’re a resident and have the wherewithal to bring in appealing house wares, you might just have your “in” with Dr. Sloan. That is if I don’t beat you to it. Race you to Williams Sonoma!

RULE #4: Do NOT loiter in the tunnels. Do NOT get lost in the tunnels. Do NOT come within a 20-foot radius of the tunnels. The tunnels belong to residents. It is their turf. They own them. At least Dr. Yang’s resident class does. And I don’t blame them for being territorial. I mean the tunnels are the perfect place to escape. It is basically a resort down there, or as we interns call it "hospital heaven;" what with the gurneys for lounging and the vending machines producing seemingly endless amounts of delicious treats. But don’t even think about it future interns. The gates are closed to you. Locked. STAY OUT.

RULE #5: Do NOT let anyone in the waiting area trick you into conversation. Especially if that person is your resident’s ex-fiancé’s mother. Even if she offers you candy and insight into how to effectively channel "the Force." Or better yet, an enlightening conversation (which she did) about one of the most brilliant cardiothoracic surgeons of all time, who just happens to be her son. Just remember, she is not your grandmother, and this is not a bedtime story. Take it from me, you do NOT want your resident catching you cozying up to her mother-in-law-that-never-was.

RULE #6: Do NOT look idle. People will yell. Specifically your resident. You will be enlisted in housekeeping duties such as folding sheets. And let me tell you, SGH has some strict policies about hospital corners. If you didn’t spend a summer working at the Gap, the nurses are not going to be happy with you. So don’t look idle. Ever!

RULE #7: Do NOT stare. #3 is a starer. Sometimes I think she is secretly trying to move things with her eyes. Yes, she stares that much. Especially at Dr. Grey. But don't judge her! What if you found out there was someone out there half-related to you? Wouldn't you be checking them out too? And not in a creepy way, but in a you-are-half-related-to-me-and-we-could-have-stuff-in-common kind of way. (What if one of you turns out to be the half-relative I never knew I had!? Raise your hand if your dream is to cut open brains...)  But learn from #3 whose staring resulted in a really uncomfortable confrontation, and if you feel the urge to stare—just don’t.

RULE #8: Do NOT lose babies. Babies are not things that should be lost. Take it from Dr. Torres. She actually lost a baby today! Probably because she was so busy with all that other super important Chief Resident stuff that she's always doing. But fear not future #2s, no babies were harmed in the making of this rule. Our lost baby was eventually found, and put back in his crib. And the world was whole again.

RULE #9: Do NOT wake your resident. Just. Don’t. Do. It. (Unless the patient is dying. See Rule #10.)

RULE #10: Do NOT kill people. Ok, so this is an obvious one. And a big one. But it is probably the hardest one to follow, because killing people is way easier for interns than you’d like to think. Except for George. He doesn’t kill people. He saves them. Like today, when this burn victim totally coded in the MRI, George stepped up and took heroic measures all by himself. He brought that guy back to life, just like he gave life to that baby by delivering it using the reverse trendelberg. (Oooh, could George be half-related to me!?)

And now, a message from Future Steve…Hello first-week-old Steve! It is nice to read you. But you are wrong about rules x, y, and z (I can’t reveal the numbers because then I might break the space-time continuum. Some things you just need to learn in your own time.)  But I have been given permission to tell you this. There’s a new rule I discovered during my second week. It’s an amendment to the golden rule. So take note, Past Steve, and all you future interns as well. It goes like this. “I am a grunt. I am a nobody. I am at the bottom of the surgical food chain. But, I am learning. And one year from today, I will no longer be a grunt. I will no longer be a nobody. I will no longer be at the bottom of the surgical food chain. I will be a resident. I WILL.”

This blog post was originally posted on blogs.abc.com/internsteve on June 12, 2008.

The Question
Call me Robin. Boy Wonder! (Ahha! I see you've finally picked up on my love of pseudonyms.)  I am in training. Of the superhero variety. Training to combine my three areas of God-given talent into an unstoppable vortex of surgical prowess. #1. My I-Q: Intelligence. (My SAT score was 1550!!!)  '''#2. My PE-Q''': Physical endurance. (I once ran twelve miles.)  '''#3. My USH-Q''': Unshakably steady hands. (They didn’t nickname me “Pick-up Sticks King” for nothing.) Training for the day when my Batman, THE Dr. Derek Shepherd, finally sees me for the tumor-fighting partner I will someday be, and pops the question I’ve spent a lifetime training for: “Will you—Robin, Steve, #2, guy with the totally rad hair—scrub in with me?”

And at the exact moment that he forms those six little words (not including all my pseudonyms), the gates will open to the Gotham City that is the brain, and together with scalpels in hand, we will fend off all that is evil in the frontal lobe. And I will be prepared. At least I imagined so yesterday, when I played it out in my head for the eighteenth gazillion time. But today is a new day, and everything I was certain about in the world of Seattle Grace has now been questioned. I used to believe there was another intern out there who had already done it all. An intern who had mastered the art of earning the respect of residents and attendings. An intern who was asked to scrub in on things like the hemiglocectomy that we had today.

That intern was George O’Malley. A.k.a. Jason Todd to my Tim Drake. (You know, Jason Todd? The previous incarnation of Robin from all those 1980s comic books?  The one who must live, and then die at the hands of the Joker in order for Tim Drake to be born into the realm of DC Comics in the first place?)  Anyhow, George was my J.T.   That is, until Dr. Karev opened his mouth in the elevator and revealed the truth about him. It turns out that George is no Boy Wonder, version 2.0 to my 1.0. He’s a FAKER. A phony. A user of sorts. He’s been all hopped up on the intern version of steroids—a.k.a. REPEATING.

All of the things that we interns have been experiencing for the very first time are things that he’s already done like a million times before. Codes. Rounds. Delivering babies. ALL OF IT. He tricked us all into thinking he was this rockstar intern when really he’s just the kid who got held back in 4th grade because he couldn’t master his fractions. (Don’t ever underestimate the importance of fractions, kids! They are the foundation upon which math and science are built!)

For all of our flaws, (and we’ve got plenty; see Leo) we interns are a fairly accepting crowd. We will let pretty much anyone into the party. I mean, look at our newest intern. He is like 100 years old. He could be my grandpa. And I am not exaggerating here. Pierce says that Dr. Karev actually calls him “The World’s Oldest Intern.” But while Norman may be much older than the rest of us, at least he is honest. He doesn’t go around pretending like he’s 40 or 24 ½. (← That’s how old I am!) He’s 100 years old and he’s proud of it. George could take some cues from this guy. Lucy and I both agree that what is most upsetting about George is not the fact that he repeated (we all get how hard it is going to be to pass that test), but that he’s been acting like he didn’t.

Perhaps Jose was serving a super secret batch of “faker juice” in the cafeteria today, because it felt like everyone was pretending to be something they were not. As they say in the movies, “deception was in the air.” Or in this case, possibly in the punch. Dr. Yang feigned sadness in order to get in on the hemiglocectomy surgery. And while she definitely has reason to be sad, what with her ex-fiancé and all, she doesn’t usually act sad. Last week it was housewares, this week it is pretend emotions. I’m on the edge of my seat, mouth full of popcorn, anxious to see what new tricks she’ll have up her sleeve the next time there is an uber cool surgery that comes to SGH.

Speaking of fakers, Dr. Torres, our paperwork-doing, baby-losing chief resident has either been wearing her invisibility cloak or doing a little faking herself. I haven’t seen her in days. When I was a med student doing my rotation at St. Joseph’s, the chief resident was like this omnipresent being, always there to make sure we were doing our jobs correctly and not putting patients’ lives in jeopardy. Since I’m just an intern, I can’t know exactly what Dr. Torres’ job entails. But I can certainly make an educated guess that part of her job is being visible. At least I would think. Which makes me wonder, where is she and what is she doing all the time she is not roaming the halls of SGH? (Hmmm, could it be that she’s down in the labs concocting on a cure for cancer!?)

Dr. Grey, meanwhile, pretended to be #3’s teacher in the Pit today. But instead of giving #3 a living person for her first intubation, she gave her someone who was totally DOA. Only Dr. Grey didn’t fill #3 in on this detail. Instead, she let her struggle to frantically intubate the patient. Maybe it is not my place to say this but I really don’t get why Dr. Grey treats #3 so poorly. #3 may be a starer, but they are still sisters. I mean, blood is blood, right? (Cindy, just know that I would never ever ask you to intubate anyone. That’s just the kind of brother I am.)

I guess the biggest question of all, the one that keeps me up at night and then riddled with a big case of the nerves in my waking hours is—who will I be? Who will I be when the pressure is on and I’m knee-deep in someone’s cracked chest cavity working against the clock to save a life? Will I be the guy who freezes up? The guy who pretends to know what he’s doing and risks the life of his patient? Or will I be the hero—or superhero if you will? The guy who faces the reality of the situation and acts with honesty and integrity, putting all that he’s learned to good use. Of course without a role model like the-George-I-thought-I-knew to pave the way, the road to becoming that superhero may be bumpier, but I believe that I can still get there.

And when that moment I’ve been training for comes—that moment when my I-Q, PE-Q, and USH-Q merge into a sum greater than their parts—and Dr. Shepherd gets down on one knee to ask that crucial question, I WILL be ready! We’ll summon the Batmobile and embark upon our expedition into the unknown with character and strength. And I won’t have to fake anything. Because the one big upside to eight years of Boy Scouts is that the motto becomes a part of who you are. And I, Robin (#2), am always prepared. (I also have skills in starting fires and helping old ladies cross the street. Just in case you were wondering.)

This blog post was originally posted on blogs.abc.com/internsteve on June 27, 2008.