All By Myself/Grey Matter

Pete Nowalk on "All By Myself"...

Original Airdate: 12-4-08

So you watch this TV show for a few seasons. You really enjoy it. Admire it. Learn from it. You even read the writers’ blog every once in awhile – just to see what these writer people are actually like. Wondering what it’s like to be them. Dreaming about being them… And then it happens. You’re now sitting in a room with these people. These talented, hard-working, funny writers who you quickly realize you have no business being around.

This happened to me. And I freaked out. Big time. Going to work everyday was an exercise in panic. Nausea, nightmares, shaky voice…symptoms of what’s commonly referred to as an all out, no-doubt-about-it, yikes-is-he-sweating, better-start-looking-for-a-new-career, you-don’t-need-to-be-a-doctor-to-diagnose-it FREAK OUT.

Which is all to say I get Alex in this episode. (Okay, okay, so I know writing an episode of television isn’t really comparable to what it must feel like to operate on someone all by yourself, but that’s why I’m happy to be a writer and not, say, a second year surgical resident. I freak out easily.)  It’s kind of a big deal, performing your first solo surgery. One of two things could happen – your patient lives or your patient dies. And since this surgery is a very simple, very easy below-the-knee amputation, a dead patient means you killed them. No wonder Alex freaked out.

Alex is one of those characters who’s still a little mysterious. He likes sex, yeah. He has a sick sense of humor, sure. He’s a pretty rotten communicator, no duh. But now we know he loves Izzie. Loooooves her. Which he finally told her off the thrill of winning the solo surgery. Alex needed this win. This is the dude that failed his boards and froze during the heart surgery in the elevator. Winning the solo – and having Cristina of all people pick him – finally allowed Alex to believe in himself. And with that came believing in himself with Izzie. Who makes him better. Who gives him the warm and cozies inside. Who is still. Seeing. Denny.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Or I don’t. But what I do know is that it’s confusing. Alex loves Izzie. He’s been good to her. SO WTF IS THAT GIRL THINKING? She’s not thinking. That’s the point. Because when we think we tend to screw things up. We over-think. Or under-think. Or just think about thinking. And it’s exhausting. To the point where it’s easier to just shut your mind off sometimes, to just go with the flow. So that’s what Izzie is doing. She’s throwing caution to the wind. She’s letting it ride. She’s saying F&$# IT! And I don’t blame her. Who knows how long Denny will be here, or when Alex will confront her about the bizarro behavior, or what – if anything – there is to learn from Denny while he’s here. So like Izzie, I’m choosing to say F%$# it. Go on, try it. Shout it. Scream it to the rafters. F&%$^&^*^**&*#### IT!!!!!!!!! Feels good, right?

Now for the people still reading (Don’t give up on me yet. I know I’m new.  I’ll try to curse less…) I have one word for you. Hi. A simple word, yup, but loaded with meaning when you haven’t said it for 5 years. Sometimes when we research these medical stories I can’t believe what we find out about the world. How many scary medical conditions there are. How wrong things can go. It makes you wonder how the hell any of us are still walking around living. Which is why it’s a kind of miracle that, sometimes, there’s a surgery to make life better. Mark Sloan gave this woman back her voice. Pretty damn cool. Also cool is Lexie working so hard to get this very stubborn, very scared woman to speak. Lexie was doing it for the husband, yes, but also for Mark. She knew how much this surgery meant to him. He’s not all boob jobs all the time after all (yes, that’s directed at you Dr. Bailey). So you can imagine how psyched Lexie must have been to tell Mark that the surgery worked. And, oh yeah, ask him to teach her. Teach her what?? Um…

I don’t know about you but that moment right before Mark gave in – when he was trying with all his might to not do the thing he knew he shouldn’t do but oh-so-wanted to do – was a pretty great window into the kinder, gentler McSteamy. Mark was trying to be good, for Derek and for himself, but he’s also human. And he’s Mark. And Lexie was there. All vulnerable. All beautiful. All HALF NAKED. Hell, even I wouldn’t be able to deny her in that moment (and I bat for the other team). As long as Meredith and Derek don’t find out about these two.

I guess Meredith’s got her hands full worrying about Cristina anyway though. She hoped their fight from the last episode would blow over. Two weeks of civil-yet-heated interactions and all would be fine. Not quite. Not even when she tried to apologize in the gallery. Because Meredith said the one thing that set Cristina off. She said, “I know why you made it personal.” And that’s all it took for Cristina to blow. Cristina who had been working SO HARD all day to keep it together – to hear out each of her fellow residents as they described why they deserved the solo even though she herself had truly won it. All the Attendings picked her. Every single one. Even Derek (who smartly told Mer it was because he didn’t want it to look like he was playing favorites. And Mer was fine with it.  Let’s hear it for relationship maturity!). So Cristina blew. She had to. No one can keep their feelings bottled up forever. Thank god Owen was there to show her his secret place…

Ew, not that secret place. THE VENT PEOPLE. The cold, dank, dirty-in-a-good-way vent. My one regret from my time on the set is that I didn’t get to take a test-spin on that puppy. Cause the vent is real, folks. You can’t CGI hair-blowing like that. And it apparently makes you want to kiss people. Owen has so many tricks up his sleeve. It’s kinda hot. And Cristina needed that vent. Especially after the day which included working with Dr. Dixon. Dr. Dixon who sees the world in her own very unique way. Sure, it might have seemed insensitive how she kept pressing this family to donate their daughter’s organs. But it also didn’t make sense to her. Embrace the science, leave feelings out of it – that’s what she told Cristina. Donating the organs would save lives. So why let feelings get in the way? Cristina understood this, and it’s exactly what allowed her to pick Alex for the solo.

Let’s move on to something a little less girl-in-a-coma depressing and more girl-in-a-sexual-awakening fun. Callie’s like a teenager right now. Confused, awkward, horny. And she’s trying to figure out her new, liking-girls life. Cause girls are different than boys. They flirt in a different way. In a way that might not even be flirting. Like Sadie. Who is quite a flirty gal. But is she flirty with everyone? Is that just her nature? Or is she actually flirting with Callie? Or does she just need a new friend because everyone in the hospital thinks she’s flat out CRAZY? Sadie’s got some stuff going on in that flirty little head of hers. Now if only Callie could figure it out. Or figure herself out. Maybe she should take a page from Izzie and say, “F&#@ IT!”  After all it worked for Alex. It’s what allowed him to make his first cut on the leg amputation dude. And since we know he’s going to rock the hell out of the rest of that surgery, it doesn’t seem like the worst idea out there. So try it. Do something that totally freaks you out today. I will too. First up, posting this blog...