| “ | The day you discharge a patient who nearly died is a very good day. You say your goodbyes, you wish them luck, and you hope like hell you never see them again. Because when a patient does return, there's a very good chance you screwed up. And then you'll be looking back to find what you missed, replaying every moment to find the one thing you could have done differently. And if you're like me, you'll obsess over finding that mistake. Until it drives you out of your mind. There's a problem with trying to understand every mistake you've made: you can't. And trying to robs you of your life, your plans, your future. Plus, you can't really learn from your mistakes if you stop moving forward. It's scary. It's uncertain. But you'll find something pretty special there: hope. | ” |
In My Life is the ninth episode of the seventeenth season and the 372nd overall episode of Grey's Anatomy.
Short Summary[]
After a heart-wrenching loss, Teddy struggles to cope and it triggers memories of her past. When Owen brings her home, she must face some long-standing truths. Meanwhile, Amelia tries to help the situation by encouraging Owen to accept and forgive Teddy.
Full Summary[]
A catatonic Teddy lies in bed as she thinks about key moments in her romantic past, including Owen, Tom, and Allison.
Owen tries to comfort a fussy Allison. He assures her her mother is okay.
Owen brings Teddy some breakfast but she remains unresponsive. He informs her Meredith is stable yet still on the vent. He quickly examines Teddy. He then talks about an adorable video of Leo his mother sent him, yet to no avail.
Amelia drops by to deliver supplies to start an IV with fluids. Amelia convinces Owen to let her try to get through to Teddy.
Teddy finds herself wandering the empty halls of the hospital. She goes to the ICU, where Meredith asks her if everything is okay. Teddy is confused. She's not sure if she's supposed to be there. Meredith has no clue that she was on a vent. Andrew then appears with a body bag. Teddy looks at Meredith again, who is now unconscious and on the vent again. She then hears cries for help. The person inside the body bag is moving. Andrew says they have been seeing this a lot lately but assures her that the patient is gone. Teddy opens the bag and finds herself in there. After getting some air, she says she's good and zips up the bag again. Andrew asks if she's ready to start the incision.
As he hands her a scalpel, Teddy suddenly finds herself in the OR. Andrew reminds her she said she could save Meredith. Teddy then sees it's Meredith who's on the table. Teddy looks up and finds Bailey, Richard, Amelia, Maggie, and Owen staring at her from the gallery. Teddy quietly says she doesn't know what to do. She then notices the World Trade Center displayed on the monitors.
"Allison," Teddy whispers in bed, as she remembers footage of the ravage from 9/11.
Back in the OR, Teddy's name is called from the scrub room. Teddy sees Allison there and goes to chase her, but Allison runs off. As she stands in the hallway disoriented, the lights go out one by one until Teddy finds herself completely in the dark.
Amelia hasn't had any success to get any reaction out of Teddy, either. Owen fears he'll have to have her admitted. Amelia thinks she needs more rest. Owen says she hasn't even acknowledged Allison. He has only seen that look in soldiers and plenty of them never came back.
Owen and Amelia get the IV started. Owen sighs and leaves the room as Teddy fails to respond.
Teddy chases Allison down the lobby.
As she passes through a door, she finds herself in the parking lot with Tom waiting for her in his car, like he promised on her wedding day to Owen. Meredith appears behind Teddy and reminds her that she was supposed to get married. Amelia wanted to run, too. Teddy thinks it would have been better for everyone had she run away with Tom. Meredith thinks her problems go further back. Teddy thinks she should try. Meredith disappears and Teddy gets in the car with Tom. They drive off together.
Owen is struggling to put a bed for Leo together. Amelia decides to stay and help.
On their drive, Teddy switches channels as it's mentioned on the radio news that the COVID-19 body count could exceed 9/11's any time. Tom and Teddy agree they're not Vegas people. Andrew appears in the backseat and Teddy does her best to shut him out. Teddy mentions hurting Owen. Teddy is sure they can be friends again. Tom suggests she make a phone call to inform Owen. Teddy opens her purse to grab her phone but instead finds a grenade. Teddy decides the call can wait; tonight is about her and Tom. She turns up the music to tune out Andrew.
Teddy is woken up in a luxurious hotel room by Tom's voice. She turns to see the time and sees the grenade on the bedside table. Tom says they have all the time in the world and shows her the room service he ordered. They toast to pancakes and champagne for the rest of their lives. Suddenly, Tom disappears and Teddy finds herself holding her daughter Allison. She's also pregnant again. Seconds later, Tom returns and tells her Owen is gone. Teddy is no longer pregnant. Owen took the kids and left. Teddy is upset but Tom is tired of hearing it. She stresses that her family is gone, but Tom says Owen is not her family. Teddy never thought Owen would actually leave. Tom questions what she expected when she chose him over Owen. Teddy tries calling Owen. She begs him to return. She then realizes she ruined her life and tells Tom she doesn't want this or him. She goes to leave the room but Tom stops her. He begs her to fix this. Teddy tells him to save himself. He is suddenly holding the grenade. Moments later, he and their life together explode.
Teddy hears a ringing in her ears as she lies in bed.
With Tom gone, Andrew appears in the hotel room. He never saw what Teddy saw in him. Teddy never wanted to hurt him. Andrew points out she likes to blow things up.
After remember key moments in her relationship with Owen, Teddy finds herself in her apartment in Germany. Andrew reminds her that Owen flew halfway across the world and she just kicked him out. Teddy remembers Meredith told her to go back further. Andrew thinks this is not what she meant. However, if they are rewriting history, maybe she could not kill him this time. Teddy says if she never meets him, she can't hurt him. She then goes after Owen and lets him back in.
They cuddle after sex. He is working with her now in Landstuhl. Owen says he loves living and working with her but it is not enough. He wants to marry her. Teddy gets a guilty look on her face. She doesn't want there to be secrets between them. She tells him the truth about Allison. A compassionate Owen is sorry that she lost the love of her life. He wants to erase that pain for her. He asks her to marry him. She accepts.
Andrew is officiating the wedding in the apartment living room. As he goes to ask Teddy if she wants Owen to be her husband, Owen keeps getting congratulatory texts from his exes. Cristina bought them tickets to Switzerland for their honeymoon. He is very excited about that. Teddy tells him to put his phone away. The wedding resumes.
Teddy comes home. Owen has cooked a fancy dinner. He's on the phone making plans for Thanksgiving with Amelia. He hangs up and they sit down. Owen informs her that Amelia is bringing Leo over so they can celebrate the holidays together. Teddy thinks he should have asked but Owen says you don't ask permission for true love. She questions if he loves Amelia. Owen says loving Amelia is evident. Cristina comes first, though. Teddy reminds him he chose her. He says it's not her fault that she doesn't know how to love. She thinks she misheard him. He says he loves her. She thinks this doesn't feel right. He agrees because it's not. He only came her and had a baby with her is because Amelia told him to. Owen goes to call her again to thank her for that. Teddy tells him to leave. He says she says that a lot but never means it. That's why he keeps coming back. It's their thing. Owen takes the dessert out of the oven without mittens. "I got it, Amelia," he says. Teddy is frustrated that he keeps looking past her. Teddy announces she is done waiting for him. She repeats that her name is Teddy. Owen says he loves Teddy but she is no Amelia.
Owen tells Amelia him and Teddy haven't really talked since she destroyed their family. He just wants her to be okay but he's heading back to the hotel as soon as she's okay. Talking to her makes him angry and it exhausts him. Amelia suggests couples therapy. Owen doesn't want to pay a stranger to listen to Teddy lie to him. Amelia wants him to cut her some slack. Owen harshly says they all lost DeLuca but they don't have the luxury of shutting down completely. He had to lie to Leo because he doesn't want Leo to see Teddy like this. Teddy has only ever lied to him. He shares with Amelia Teddy's confession about loving Allison, which she tried to use as an excuse for everything. There is nothing he can do about that and talking won't help. Allison starts crying.
Over dessert, Teddy realizes she will never be enough for Owen. He tells her she sounds ridiculous. She hears noises from OR and looks down, finding a surgical field with a beating heart on the table instead of her plate.
Teddy finds herself in the OR again trying to save Meredith. Allison appears on the monitor. She tells Teddy she made pancakes. Teddy has the monitor turned off.
Suddenly, the OR is empty except for her and Andrew, who tells her it won't make a difference. Owen and Amelia are staring at her still from the gallery. Andrew asks if she always loved Allison. Teddy admits she was always drawn to her. The monitor now shows leaves. Teddy relives a memory with Allison.
Teddy is sleeping on a blanket in the park. Allison comes rushing over with a wounded bird. She asks Teddy to save it.
Back in the OR, Teddy tells Andrew that both her parents died that year. Allison helped her through that.
Allison hangs up the phone and tells Teddy that the maintenance manager at her mother's building. Teddy needs to go through her stuff. Allison can't do that for her. Teddy keeps staring at a candle. Teddy says she and her parents used to play Scrabble when her father was sick. Her dad always used to win. He started losing as he got sicker. They had time to say goodbye but they never did. They cheated so he could win until he couldn't play anymore. Even with all that time, they couldn't imagine that he would leave them. Teddy always wanted a pet but her father forbade it because of the heartbreak that she would feel when it would inevitably die eventually. Her father always wanted to protect her but then he just died at age 58. Allison understands that can't pack up her mother's stuff because it would make her sudden death real. Allison decides to go to the apartment and get the Scrabble board and photo albums and some other stuff that will remind Teddy how loved she was. Teddy leans in to kiss her but Allison backs away. Teddy is not sorry. Allison then kisses her.
Teddy tells Andrew she never meant to hurt anyone but she fell in love with Allison. And then she killed her.
While naked in bed together, Allison tries to convince Teddy to stay. She'll make pancakes. Teddy says she has to go work and climbs out of bed. It's 7:37 AM, September 11, 2001.
Teddy wanted to say yes. She wanted to stay in that room with Allison forever. Had she said yes, Allison still would have been here. And Andrew might, too. Teddy touches him and says he is still here. He says he's not. Teddy thinks it's not too late. Things can still change. Teddy focuses.
She wakes up on the morning of 9/11 again. Allison lovingly looks at her. She says she'll make pancakes. Teddy agrees to stay.
Owen just got Allison back to sleep. Amelia has been thinking about their conversation earlier. He needs to truly forgive Teddy. She did some bad things but he has loved Teddy in some form for decades. Owen says she also lied relentlessly for decades. Not only did she cheat with Tom but she's also not over Allison, so she has always been in love with someone else. Owen says that is despicable. Amelia points out that Owen can't stand it that Teddy has a Cristina. He has loved two people before, so why can't Teddy? Owen says he never lied about his past relationships. Amelia thinks Teddy has PTSD from losing the love of her life in a horrific tragedy. He of all people should understand that. He questions why she hasn't told him that, then. Amelia points out he doesn't go around telling people about the time he strangled Cristina. Amelia says Teddy's trauma response is different than his. He never thought he was capable of choking someone he loved but he did that. Owen blames it on the PTSD. Amelia is firm that Teddy has PTSD, too. Traumatized people lie, to people around them and themselves. That doesn't mean everything is a lie. She and Owen both got help when they were hurting. Teddy needs help, too. Allison starts crying again. Amelia goes to check on her.
Amelia checks on Teddy, who still hasn't moved. Teddy envisions Allison with her in the room. She reaches for the coffee that Allison is holding out.
Teddy and Allison drink their coffee on a bench in the park. Allison wants to tell Claire the truth. Teddy doesn't want to hurt her. Life comes with pain, Allison says. Teddy says not today, not for them, not this time. A plane flies over the park. Teddy checks her watch. It's 8:47 AM. With a distant crash sound and people screaming around them, Teddy tries to ignore reality and enjoy the moment. Chaos ensues around them. Allison is alarmed but Teddy tries to convince her that they are okay. Teddy then agrees to tell Claire. She'll hate it because losing Allison is the worst thing in the world. But Claire won't hate her because it's impossible to hate her. As people keep screaming around and sirens are wailing, Allison is distracted by the smell of smoke. She starts coughing. She can't breathe. She collapses. Teddy tries to save her.
"Don't leave me, Allison," Teddy quietly whispers in bed as she starts crying.
Teddy finds herself trying to resuscitate Allison in the OR, to no avail. Meredith walks up to the table and says it is over. She calls time of death. September 11, 9:59 AM.
Teddy tells herself repeatedly it's all her fault.
Teddy follows Meredith down the hall. It's snowing inside and the hallway is filled with bodies on gurneys. They make their way to the ambulance bay. There are gurneys with bodies as far as Teddy can see.
Amelia got Allison back down. Owen finishes up the bed. Amelia wants to help Owen. Owen says it would have been easier if Teddy had run off with Tom. He likes the idea of a life free of responsibility. Amelia understands him. Owen feels like there is heavy blanket of fatigue weighing him down. Amelia recognizes that feeling. She gets it when she is defending herself against having to feel anger or hurt. Teddy hurt Owen and it's easier to feel numb. Amelia says he doesn't have to go back to Teddy but he can't afford to hate her for the rest of his life. That blanket won't ever ligt. In NA, they pray for the people they resent, for them to get well and find happiness. She hates it but it works. The resentments lifts and forgiveness sets in. Owen thinks he can't do it. She knows he can. He did it with her.
As they walk among the gurneys, Teddy says it's her fault. She couldn't save her parents, Allison, Henry, or Andrew. Meredith says she is still here. Even Meredith knows that those people couldn't be saved. Allison and Andrew were tragic casualties of circumstances Teddy had no power to control, and Henry was already dying when she met him. Meredith points out Teddy runs from pain. She ran to Allison when her parents died and to the Army when Allison died. When Owen chose Cristina, she dove into Henry. And then when Owen chose Amelia, Teddy used Tom. Meredith says they all run from pain. They also run from joy because they think they don't deserve happiness. But it's a package deal. There is no joy without pain. Meredith says it's time to leave this place. Teddy begs her not to die. She'll do her best. Teddy looks around her one last time.
She suddenly snaps out of it. She sits up in bed.
Owen walks Amelia out. He thanks her for everything. As she closes the door behind her, Allison starts crying again.
Owen goes to check on her but finds that Teddy is holding her to comfort her. She's back.
Cast[]
Main Cast[]
- Ellen Pompeo as Dr. Meredith Grey
- Chandra Wilson as Dr. Miranda Bailey
- James Pickens, Jr. as Dr. Richard Webber
- Kevin McKidd as Dr. Owen Hunt
- Jesse Williams as Dr. Jackson Avery (credit only)
- Caterina Scorsone as Dr. Amelia Shepherd
- Camilla Luddington as Dr. Jo Wilson (credit only)
- Kelly McCreary as Dr. Maggie Pierce
- Giacomo Gianniotti as Dr. Andrew DeLuca
- Kim Raver as Dr. Teddy Altman
- Greg Germann as Dr. Tom Koracick
- Jake Borelli as Dr. Levi Schmitt (credit only)
- Chris Carmack as Dr. Atticus Lincoln (credit only)
- Richard Flood as Dr. Cormac Hayes (credit only)
- Anthony Hill as Dr. Winston Ndugu (credit only)
Guest Stars[]
Co-Starring[]
Medical Notes[]
Meredith Grey[]
- Diagnosis:
- Doctors:
- Richard Webber (general surgeon)
- Treatment:
- Mechanical ventilation
Owen told Teddy that Richard said Meredith was stable and he wanted to try weaning her off the ventilator in a few days.
Teddy Altman[]
- Diagnosis:
- Dehydration
- Doctors:
- Amelia Shepherd (neurosurgeon)
- Owen Hunt (trauma surgeon)
- Treatment:
- IV Fluids
Teddy hadn't eaten or had anything to drink since Owen brought her home, so he started an IV to give her fluids.
Music[]
| Song | Performer | Scene |
|---|---|---|
| "Fini la Musique" | Pink Martini |
|
| "Ég Veit Þú Kemur" | Elly Vilhjálms |
|
| "Starálfur" | Sigur Rós |
|
Notes and Trivia[]
- This episode's title originated from the song In My Life, originally sung by The Beatles.
- This episode scored 4.99 million viewers.[1]
- This episode is Teddy-centric.
- This is the first episode of the season not to feature Meredith's Beach.
- The color blue recurs throughout Teddy's visions. The blue wedding dress she wears is a hand-dyed version of the white wedding dress she was wearing to her and Owen's wedding in Put on a Happy Face.
- This episode marks the final appearance of Giacomo Gianniotti, though he is still credited through the season finale.
- Miranda, Richard and Maggie appear with no dialogue
Gallery[]
Episode Stills[]
Behind the Scenes[]
Quotes[]
See Also[]
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A complete overview of this episode's crew can be found here. |
| Grey's Anatomy Season 17 | ||||||
| #01 | "All Tomorrow's Parties" | #07 | "Helplessly Hoping" | #13 | "Good as Hell" | |
| #02 | "The Center Won't Hold" | #08 | "It's All Too Much" | #14 | "Look Up Child" | |
| #03 | "My Happy Ending" | #09 | "In My Life" | #15 | "Tradition" | |
| #04 | "You'll Never Walk Alone" | #10 | "Breathe" | #16 | "I'm Still Standing" | |
| #05 | "Fight the Power" | #11 | "Sorry Doesn't Always Make It Right" | #17 | "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" | |
| #06 | "No Time for Despair" | #12 | "Sign O' the Times" | |||
| << Season 16 | Season 18 >> | |||||